I will have to admit that I have been on a little bit of a motivational, self help kick lately. Thanks Tony Robbins… I dedicate this post to you.

Anyway, he got me thinking about all the ways in which to make the world a better place and it occurred to me that maybe we don’t need another Mother Theresa.

I mean think about it.

Some people in this world are so poor and fucked up that a bowl of soup and a band aid isn’t going to do fuck all but maybe keep them alive long enough to breed and make more poor fucked up people.

I propose we aim our world changing energies a little bit higher and focus on places that will really make a difference. A real impact on the world and it’s future potential.

And who better to force this change, but porn stars?

Seriously. Think about it.

There is this show in Europe called something like “The Model and the Geek” where these super hot German model chicks take some sorry assed nerd, gets him a haircut and some nice clothes and teach him how to do normal social skills stuff like, dance with or talk to girls without blowing snot bubbles or snorting when he laughs. Shit like that.

The problem with this show is that the model never gives it up and the poor guy does all this shit for nothing. I mean what kind of fucked up non motivation is this? It’s kind of sick…

Anyway, here is what I propose instead.

Problem:

There’s this store I walk by in the town where I live (most towns have something similar) that is filled with pimply faced, socially challenged men who sit around tables filled with mini soldiers and warriors and dragons and spend their lives snort laughing and squealing like girls over unlimited supplies of fantasy based gamer distractions.

Dont get me wrong. These guys are usually geniuses. Unfortunately most of them are just misguided and lack the proper goals and focus it takes to do anything positive besides pick their nose and slay a 5th level demon lord from their custom built gamer chair in their mom’s basement.

Future leaders of the world, confident decision makers and captains of industry?
Fuck no… what a waste grey matter.

Solution:

What if say, Stormy Daniels waltzed into that store one day, picked the nerdiest, most virginest looking one of the bunch and made him a proposition that went something like this:

“Look dipshit. I’m going to make you a deal, right here, in front of all your loser friends that just might change your life for the better.”

“If you agree to take your backpack full of video games and dungeon master guidebooks, your World of Warcraft, your pro wrestling action figures, your klingon sword collection, your Batman bed sheets, your pleated acid washed jeans with your comic book character t-shirt tucked into them, your lunch box with the Capri Sun sippy packs that your mom packed for you even though you are already in college and throw ALL OF IT into this garbage can right here and LIGHT IT ALL ON FIRE and promise you will never look back…”

“If you do that…”

“I will fuck you once a month for a year.”

“BUT if I so much as sniff a 20 sided dice on you once, mother fucker, the deal is off, and you will forever be ridiculed by me, publicly as an official dumb shit for life.”

How is that for motivation? I fully support this!

In fact, I propose that all porn stars make it their life’s duty to pull the straw out of their nose, just for one day a month and commit their time to helping save humanity and create strong, virile, sexually confident leaders.

The fate of the world lies in your hands porn stars. It really does.

Lets make May 27th “National Pornstar Fuck a Geek and Make Him a Man Day”?

Are you with me porn stars? Lets save the world!!!

What do you think? I welcome your comments.

After my last post, I got to thinking. I guess in a way, I may be contradicting myself from previous posts, and risking being hypocritical, but to continue on with my dislike for the term “alternative” or “alt” I have a few things to say. And although it is only sort of marginally related to porn, I felt the need to run my mouth off a little anyway because there are at least some connections. (Have you noticed, I LOVE run on sentences?)

Anyway, I recently downloaded the audio book off iTunes called “The Long Tail” by Chris Anderson from Wired magazine. The book basically describes how media and cultural things that were once limited, homoginized and controlled by mass corporate marketing engines are now being replaced my more of a micro niche culture of pretty much anything you want is now available, any time you want it. And while the diversity of limitless options available, especially in the porn world is nice “sometimes”, I can’t help but to start getting a little overwhelmed with the “too many options” world of today.

Even with something simple like going out to eat seems to be so incredibly hard to do anymore. Take going out for breakfast for example. If you live in a large metropolitan city these days, just try to go out and get a simple eggs and bacon breakfast at your local diner on a Sunday afternoon. Think about it seriously. I challenge you. Does that even exist anymore?

Now. if I want to not cook and go out to a restaurant for something simple to satisfy my hunger, I am faced with so many limitless choices and varieties of wheat grass, chipotle, asian cucumber salad omlette served on a Thai banana leaf covered in goat cheese and acai berry jam, and you eat it with chop sticks while on a floating patio served on top of a naked chick with japanese anime playing on a projector on the wall.

I mean, not really, but do you know what I mean? What the fuck is that??? At some point, I dont want choices. I just want to eat my fucking breakfast.

The same goes for sex. You cant just have sex anymore with a normal partner and just enjoy the experience. You can’t just pull up a photo of a typical in shape naked person and feel excited enough to wank off to it. In order to get it on these days, it seems you can’t even fit in and be socially acceptable unless you are willing to poke a tent stake through your dick, and hang from the ceiling fan by your nut sack while your significant other wears a trash bag, bunny slippers and a bone through their nose, reciting Shakespeare while getting gang banged by a bisexual penguin baseball team on top of a mechanical bull with dildos for horns. I don’t need fetishes, i don’t need clown porn…

I am so sick of going out for a drink with my wife to meet up with some new friends, just wanting to have a relaxing evening, talking about normal things and enjoying the conversation without the inevitable turning into.. “so… do you guys swing?”

See where I am getting at?

If you ask me, in this day and age of limitless possibilities, we are losing track of the fact that it’s hard enough in the middle of an economic crisis, trying to just get by, putting on a tie and getting up for work at 4am for a normal job and working your ass off just to pay the bills and feed your family so they can grow up healthy, safe and sane enough to compete and live and deal with all the mind numbing mass of limitless options, bullshit and resulting expectations that grow out of it all.

And people wonder why porn is so boring… It’s because we can’t have a relaxing recreational, jack off session to a normal naked girl anymore without the need for slicing it into limitless micro niches of fetishes, and accessorize it into a meaningless jumble of extreme.

Of course I understand that there has been a long, long road to getting to the point of having personal freedom of choice and expression, and am not suggesting we revert back to repression, communism or the dark ages, but I think in our pursuit of personal freedom, we inadvertently ended up in a state of individuality overload and I for one am getting to the point where there are now so many choices available and expected, that I no longer can make a decision and I am starting to find that even more repressive than not having a choice at all.

If you ask me, Joe Average is the real alternative, because he is almost becoming a dying breed. Or at least socially unacceptable, and i think that’s a sad commentary on society. So with that, I say fuck “alternative”. Limitless choices are sometimes nice and entertaining (and yeah, sometimes hilarious…), but somehow, today I just want my eggs and bacon.

I don’t know if it’s just the sweltering heat of the summer stunting my desire to surf porn or if things are just so boring lately, there just really hasn’t been much to report on that jumps out as news worthy.

In other news, I decided to start some sort of classification system to how I rate porn on this site. Since i’m not feeling all that motivated, I only came up with 5 so far, so by all means feel free to jump in to the discussion and make some suggestions. This is a blog, after all, so I encourage comments, discussion and feedback. Just don’t spam the fuck out of me, and cause me to get all up in your spammy shit.

Anyway, I was discussing with my friend Dan a while back and we came up with some classifications.

The first one is obviously:

Vanilla Porn – This is basically any kind of normal porn from fucking, blowjobs and anal to cumshots. I don’t really need to go into details because I might fall asleep, but it pretty much covers the whole gamut of the stuff that most people do in their daily private lives since the dawn of mankind, and I don’t want to talk about here on this site, unless only to ruthlessly pick it apart for being completely boring.

Clown Porn – There actually is a large fetish for clown porn you know? Either dudes dressed as clowns doing normal chicks who are either into dudes dressed like clowns, or dudes who are into doing chicks dressed as clowns. Either way, I use clown porn to classify most of the kinds of things at least that crack me up and are news worthy.
Also see: braces porn, (ouch) diaper porn, blowjob machines, cuckold porn, anything to do with pineapples or donkeys or firetrucks… but I think you get it…

Also, on another note, be careful because there is a fine line between alternative, punk and goth porn and clown porn. Sometimes goth porn is hot, but other times all you would have to do is slap on a foam rubber red nose and well…. you got clown porn… so be careful.

The Shit Eaters – although I don’t need to go into detail, basically this covers all the sick shit I don’t really want to talk about either other than in passing reference to sick ass funny shit. Two girls One Cup, kind of stuff. It’s funny for a second, then you just want to get sick.

Art Porn – This is basically anything that is kind of cool or sexy, but not like jack off sexy. just interesting, arty, mildly seductive, maybe noteworthy, maybe not. I guess this would fall more into the “Erotica” category, but I kind of hate that word. Just reminds me of metallica or vampires… Some art porn is cool, but some of it is still just fucking boring too.

Alt Porn – I am so sick of this category. Sometimes I guess it can be “interesting” but usually people just take some vanilla porn chicks, slap on some leather and a tattoo and they call it alt porn. And since when did alt porn become synonymous with fetish porn?
I mean, technically, anything can be a fetish; clown porn, people who like to fuck in the bathtub, people into dirty fingernails, amputee hentai, short chicks who like dudes dressed like big bird… i mean seriously, you can dig down pretty far into the micro niche and call something a fetish, just because there is a chick with a tattoo, stop calling it alt porn. At least have the creativity to make up a real fetish niche.
I hate that… stop lumping it all together. We live in a long tail society full of micro niches now and I think we can take the whole “alternative” cultural definition and bury it once and for all.

Well, this is turning into a rant so i’ll stop here for now. The “too much coffee guy” niche is what i’m all about right now… yikes… anyway, until next time.

Let me start off by saying, I am a huge fan of Lollipop Girl, the queen of lollipop erotica.  In my opinion, watching her make love to that Chuppa Chup is way hotter than almost 90% of all porn out there these days.  Hands down.

If I have to sit through another bad blowjob scene with some fat hairy dude, getting his little diseased looking shit waxed by some completely vapid, non sensual, crack head with bug eyes and all teeth, choking and gagging and spitting and yanking on it and sticking it out the side of her cheeks, like that’s seriously supposed to get anyone excited, i’m gonna freak out.

Better yet, I propose all new aspiring porn stars should have their first screen test with their clothes on, with nothing but a camera and a lollipop. If you can’t give me wood with that, then give it up. If your dick is ugly or you give bad head, don’t film it. Be a responsible pornographer and take a lesson from Lollipop Girl, and for fuck sake, stop filming bad blowjobs. You’re not fooling anybody. Long live the art of the sensual lick.

Ok, now you can’t honestly tell me you haven’t ever considered it. Maybe at least once in your life? You know… Glory Hole Sex?

For the guys, seriously, think about it. Maybe you’re in the back of some secluded place, maybe a restroom in a club or some far away truck stop on the highway at night, you’re a little horny and so you maybe give your dick a couple extra tugs after you pee, (you know you’ve done that…) and then all of a sudden, a finger motions through a hole in the wall from the stall next to yours. So you slide your raging hard on through that dark hole and some faceless, nameless, sexless, anonymous someone on the other end with a warm, wet mouth sucks you off. You could cum in their mouth, zip up your pants and leave, and nobody would ever have to know. Would you do it?

And for the girls, what if you were just sitting there taking a pee, maybe you had one too many drinks and were blasted and super horny and all of a sudden a HUGE erect cock pokes out of a hole in the wall. Like maybe the hugest, most perfect cock you have ever seen? Would you run away screaming? Would you take off your shoe and hit it as hard as you can? Or would you maybe give it a poke? Or even a little tickle? Your maybe… even a little lick? What if there was a quick $100 on the other end of the hole as well? So again, would you do it?

I personally think Glory Hole sex is fascinating. The thought of a completely anonymous no strings attached orgasm totally turns me on, but I can honestly say that there is no fucking way in HELL i would put my shit through a hole, not knowing what STD ridden surprise was on the other end. No way man.. Although the thought of Charlotte Vale maybe being on the other end is tempting… but still no way dude…

And for that reason, i’m glad they have sites like Gloryhole.com. The site has been around for a while now and the content just keeps getting better and better, loaded full of slutty white chicks sucking huge black dicks. I know it’s obviously fake, but for fantasy sake, I think even the Center for Disease Control is probably glad too, just so people can get their happy happy joy joys without actually trying the real thing. Although if Charlotte Vale was on the other end… hmm… nah…. maybe…. ok, naaaahhhh.

My dad used to tell me this story about a dude he knew back in the Army who would walk around with a heavy, cast iron frying pan and for $20 he would let you hit him in the face with it as hard as you wanted to. That was my first lesson about just how fucked up people can be in this world, and that there really were some people who go out of their way to intentionally make themselves miserable.

When I first stumbled upon the interracial cuckold site, Candy Monroe, i’m not sure why, but couldn’t help but to think about “Frying Pan Man” and it occurred to me that I actually had more respect for him, than the pathetic losers who are into this kind of porn. At least “Frying Pan Man” was enterprising. Maybe his abusive business plans at least helped him pay for college, that is if he had any brains left when he got out of the service…

First off, I’ll have to admit that I think Candy Monroe is fucking funny.  It’s not a website that I would really consider jack off material, it’s more like comedy porn.  Candy is definitely hot, at least in sort of an alterna bar slut, drunken sailor pinup kind of way.  Kind of like every girl I ever met in Southern California… (long story…)  I clicked on the site and not knowing what to expect, I definitely had a good laugh. Watching her fuck all these well endowed black dudes right in front of her dumbass pathetic white boyfriends, is good for a good quick laugh at least. The only problem is, it didn’t take too long for the humor to wear off and I just started to get agitated.

The problem is, I seriously just don’t get cuckold porn. If you’re not familiar with what a cuckold is, it’s a fetish term for a man who feels inferior about his little dick, so he actually get’s off by letting his wife or girlfriend fuck other, more well endowed guys.  Sometimes right in front of him, then if he’s lucky, she let’s him clean up the mess afterward. In many situations, he actually get’s off even more when the woman treats him like shit about it and taunts him, turning him into nothing but a worthless groveling, sissy boy slave in the process. And what I REALLY don’t get are the guys who pursue this kind of porn, just for the purpose of feeding that fetish. I have a couple friends who are phone sex operators and they claim, as I come to find out, that this is actually one of their most popular fetish requests from callers. Yep, one of the MOST POPULAR REQUESTS.

Now, seriously… WTF Dude? Are there THAT many men out there into this shit? Have we as men in this current day and age become so emasculated, that this type of pornography and fetish are becoming more and more popular? God forbid, even mainstream terminology? I mean i’m all for women’s rights and equality, but give me a fucking break! So you have a little dick. So what? Did you forget how to use it? It didn’t suddenly fall off, did it? Are you so pathetic that you think that’s all of what it means to be a man?

And what I also don’t understand is, if you seriously are fucked up enough to be turned on by this, why do you need to pay for porn like this?  There are literally millions of mean, miserable, evil bitches out there who will gladly treat you like shit for free, even go out of there way to do it, why would anyone want or need to pay extra?

Do yourself a favor dude.  Dump that superficial, pathetic, manipulative, “princess complex” bitch, save what little dignity you have left in the world  and go out and find a nice girl who respects you for more than how big your dick is.  A little bit of tenderness, foreplay and some nice words, goes a long way, you dumbass!! Don’t be like Frying Pan Man…

Give me a break.

P.S. After reading this, if you seriously ARE still that pathetic and need your miserable fix, be sure to check out Candy Monroe She’s everything your miserable little heart desires.

Back in the good old days, before the internet, we had to work for our porn. Sure, if you were lucky, you had a friend with a few dirty magazines, or if you were brave enough and had a VCR (or beta…) you had to slink behind the secret curtain in the back of the video store and rent something. Even then, you still had to face the hottie behind the counter who probably knew a couple of your friends’ friends and the secret would be out and you were then branded insta-perv in your circle of potential some day hook ups.

If you were like me and too broke to afford the super bad ass cable, you could still cheat if you were patient enough and figure out a way to tweak your cable box and get the Playboy Channel.

For a short time, we had one of those push button boxes, similar to the one in the photo.  I don’t know what I was doing to figure this out, but accidentally I discovered one night that if I held down two buttons at a time, and tweaked the dial, just right, I had a choice of seeing either a slightly distorted rolling picture with the Playboy Channel with no sound, or if I moved the slider a little more, I had no picture but perfect sound.  The trick was though, that you had to hold everything just right.  A little sweet spot that wasn’t always there, but you slowly developed the skill on how to hold the right combination. Of course trying to masturbate to it was impossible, but now that I look back at it, it was such work just to see something, or hear it, that it was a real turn on, just seeing that little bit of broken up soft core porno every night for as long as your fingers held out and the sweet spot didn’t go away when the plastic heated up too much.

Ah, yes, Marilyn Chambers, Seka and Shauna Grant still haunt my fondest wet dreams in their distorted silent, rolling greatness. No Hi Def on demand, no thumbnail galleries, no yawning at the vast network of any kind of twisted hardcore shit you could think of at the click of a mouse, no “two chicks one cup”.  Just pure, horny, ingenuity, some brief meaningful glimpses at sensual, soft core pornography, and I was grateful for what little I got, dammit!  I kind of miss those days.

Just thought I would share.

Catch up on all your favorite Classic porn stars at Wanted List

So, I just finished reading Snuff, the latest book by “Fight Club” author Chuck Palahniuk. While I felt it was definitely not one of his best books, in comparison to Fight Club or Choke, I thought this would be a great book to review for this site, considering the topic at hand.

Snuff is about an aging porn star, Cassie Wright and her attempt to end her career with a bang, by risking her life doing a 600 man gang bang, porno shoot and what goes on behind the scenes at such an event. The “real world” gang bang record holder, in case you don’t know, is Annabel Chong, who in her 1995 film “The World’s Biggest Gangbang” attempted to do 300, but could only do 251, after being so badly bruised from the pounding, she had to finish off the last remaining participants doing oral, while her crew packed ice between her legs.

Snuff focuses on what’s going through the minds of 4 main characters. Mr 72, a 20 something midwestern adopted guy who thinks he is Cassie’s long lost son, conceived during an accidental cream pie in one of her films, Mr 137, a has been TV star looking to revive his career, Mr 600 a porn actor who was responsible for launching Cassie’s porn career, by drugging her and raping her on camera, and Cassie’s bitter assistant Sheila, who is managing the whole event backstage.

First off, I still don’t know exactly how I felt about this book.  It wasn’t good, maybe in comparison to most meaningful fiction, but I found it an interesting, quick read.  The story in itself wasn’t what interested me as much as the way the author goes out of his way to describe the atmosphere and activity that goes on backstage at a gang bang as well as half a book full of porn and entertainment related trivia.

Palahniuk goes into great detail about hundreds of slimy, hairy, naked guys with numbers on their arms, walking around on piss and “spray on tan” covered floors, reeking of sweat and cologne, stroking themselves and popping little blue pills to stay hard, all waiting their turn in line for their one minute of fame to dump their load. Subtle lunch spoiling things, such as dudes licking their lips and sticking their greasy, jerk off, BBQ potato chip powder covered hands into the candy and chip bowls filled with half open condoms leaking spermicide.  Or how a woman participating in a gang bang could easily die from an embolism (accidental air injected into her blood stream from too much pounding). Did you know that too much Viagra causes nonarteritic anterior ischemic optic neuropathy, aka blindness?

I guess what I am trying to say is, if you’re really into gang bang porn, you may not want to read this because it may just take away some of the magic.  It gives you a brief, but pretty realistic peek into just how fucked up the porn world can be. If nothing else it will make you lose your boner and you’ll probably want to take more showers.

It also got me wondering, is Chuck Palahniuk bored with porn too?

Wanna watch the real thing? Check out all of these Gang Bang Videos on Wanted List

Forget Tool Time. Forget Home Depot or Sears… Finally, some ingenious, bored engineer put his degree to some good use and invented something every man in the world needs. A BLOWJOB MACHINE. Although the site designates it as a “hobby kit” the Kanojo Toy Shop is offering the ES Eroy Station Love machine set to finally satisfy what sexually frustrated men need the most. Blowjobs on command.

The machine kind of looks like an old school slide projector, and utilizes interchangeable Ona Cups, (basically rubber orifices in a can) which attach to the end of the machine, and then are, at the touch of the controls, mechanically slid back and forth in a pleasing movement. The machines come in multiple colors (I guess to match your home decco) with an optional ac adaptor. The Ona Cups are the best part, as you can buy them separately in a variety of shapes, textures, features, etc.

I’m going to buy a few of them and install them in the walls all over my house and add a remote control. That way every room in my house will feature it’s own safe sex glory hole. Hows that for increasing the value of my real estate investment? Top that Donald Trump!

It’s October so just in time for Halloween, I give you Zombie and Horror Porn. If you ask me, it doesn’t get much more “not boring” than this. I don’t know about you but whenever I watch horror movies, especially the ones from the 50’s and 60’s, they make me incredible horny. Something about all the scantly clad innocent maidens in distress, running through castle hallways in nightgowns, or all the slutty daisy duke wearing unsuspecting campers in the 70’s slasher films, ah… it just gives me a boner.

I have always wanted someone to do real horror porn. And thanks to Rob Rotten and Punx Productions, they have finally made some of my sick fantasies come true. The first one, although I have yet to get my copy in the mail is Porn of the Dead. Although the reviews seem to state that it lacks any sort of plot or story line, there is supposed to be plenty of blood and guts. So, who cares about a plot. They were cool enough to give you horror porn so i guess it’s too much to expect a plot.

The only thing that would make these movies better (besides a plot) would be if they added that flippy head effect when someone orgasms. You know the flippy head effect don’t you? Remember that movie Jacob’s Ladder, with the freaky dudes who flip their heads back and forth? I’m telling you man… flippy head orgasms would be huge… think about it! What a way to spice up an otherwise boring sex scene then a surprise flippy head? Or maybe flippy boobs? Fuck Yeah! Ok, I want flippy boobs. I’ll settle for nothing less. I’m now on a mission. Ehem… Anyway…

Next is a new movie from the same people who made Porn of the Dead, is The Texas Vibrator Massacre. Pretty self explanatory I guess. Death by vibrator. Some people would think it’s the perfect way to go out. Not me, but you know me… i’m nit really into the whole vibrator porn thing, but gas powered murder vibrators, maybe is cool though. Hosting a great all star cast or porn actresses including Jamie Elle, Daisy Tanks, Ruby Knox, Bella Lynn and Roxy DeVille, this one is definitely worth adding to the collection.

“Forgive me father, for I am about tho sin” Another must see is XXXorcist featuring Joanna Angel from Burning Angel Entertainment as Regan Teresa MacFeel (heh heh…) along with Kylee Kross and Tommy Pistol. Demonic possession, cross fucking and lots of puking pee soup makes this one a real winner. I love Joanna Angel. One of the few rare porn actresses who fucks like she means it. There is a preview of the movie at: Thexxxorcist.com The best line in the movie is when the priest says “I fucked the Hell out of her” Oh yeah… good times.

Another kick ass movie with Joanna Angel is the Re-Penetrator, spoofing HP Lovecraft’s The Reanimator. THis one is one of my favorites. A great soundtrack, it’s funny as hell, lot’s of neow green glowing syringes and spooky laboratory scenes. You can see a preview of it at the Movie’s Homepage: Repenetrator.com

All in all, these are must have films for your collection. Halloween is still a couple weeks out, so stay tuned, as i’ll be adding more soon.